Opalo 48x60

Sometimes in life you get the gift of desperation. Which, in the moment, feels like anything but a gift. But for me in 2011, the trauma was finally catching up with me. I’d been in active recovery and clean for nearly two years. My body constantly felt like it was expanding. My clothes didn’t fit. I lived on Marlboro lights and fountain Dr. Pepper.

Everything in life was either something to get over or something to try not to feel. I was a master at dissociating from my body, but when you do that constantly to avoid the feeling or the challenge, you also miss all of the good coming your way. As well as the constant, crippling sense of anxiety and dread. 

In my first class, I remember the fear and disbelief the most. The fear that everyone in the room knew how terrified I was, the fear that I would suffocate and die in a 105-degree 40% humidity room, and most of all, far beyond the fear of death - the fear of not knowing what I was doing and looking stupid. While everyone around me seemed to glide unfazed, wearing tiny shorts that they looked great in. 

I made it through my first class. The whole room clapped for me as I cried in the final savasana in a puddle of sweat and tears. I took sixty more classes in a row after that. I was addicted to the validation of staying in the room. Addicted to the idea that I too, might someday be able to glide and look unfazed. Also mostly because someone had remarked 

“If you can do this yoga every day, you can do anything.”

 And 28-year-old me had a lot of things she wanted to do, but no idea how to start. 

So I started with the hot room. Working myself out with myself in the mirror, with nowhere to hide, and nobody to blame it on. Well, except the teacher, but now I am the teacher, so jokes on me. I imagined that if I could practice consistently, I would have a perfect Barbie body. 

What I actually got was the ability to look at myself in the mirror and understand that all of the awful things I say about myself, the belief that I will only be worthy if I meet impossible expectations - the way I look or talk or react or even breathe - aren’t true. I was given the gift of living in my body with a grounded foundation instead of making my body the enemy that was against me. I was given the gift of learning how to eat food to fuel my body, not just to disassociate from it and enter a loop of shame and guilt while critiquing my imperfections. This took years of work on my mat and those lessons still come and go. 

The only way to heal ourselves is from the inside out. This yoga, and most importantly, the spaces and community participating in allows us the experience of the illumination of that magic. We all come into this room looking for the version of ourselves that can heal past versions of who we’ve been and set a foundation for a brighter future and a healthier lifestyle. Most of all, we all want to get free. 

When I started this painting, I was considering the concept of black opal. Black opal is tied to seeing the parts of yourself you’ve avoided.. grief, fear, anger, intuition you’ve ignored, instincts you pushed down. It doesn’t create darkness; it reveals the darkness you already carry so you can use it instead of being ruled by it. Where lighter opals amplify surface emotions, black opal is believed to amplify the deeper layers. The stuff you only feel in your gut. 

This painting is a portrait of our collective shadow, light and experiences as they work together in this space to illuminate positive connection, growth and change.

This studio is a safe space to allow your depth to surface. To meet yourself and all of your layers, again and again and again, and to be loved by the community around you throughout your process. Thank you for being here. You are in the right place, at the perfect time, doing the best thing for yourself. 

Opalo has been created with love and intention by Odette as a space specifically for you to connect with yourself and others, feel a part of a healthy community, and thrive. 

This painting, also titled Opalo, is a portrait of our collective shadow, light and experiences as they work together in this space to illuminate positive connection, growth and change. Any beauty that you see within this canvas is a mirror of your own light reflecting out to you.